Sleep-aholic

Turning 3 on March 31st, Connor is growing up so fast.  I'll never forget that day that we found out that he was growing inside me--it took 3 pregnancy tests to convince me.  Richard was overjoyed.  I was amazed--yeah, we weren't trying. 

God's timing is so much better than our own. 

We were so green when he first came.  The nurse left him in his little bassinet with all the diapers and wipes and blankets beside my bed.  Richard and I just looked at each other...what are we supposed to do now?...where is she going?...she's leaving him alone with us!?  I thought that I was so prepared---the childbirthing class, the books...they do not prepare you for the realization that every need that little baby will have is dependent on you to provide him.  More than anything, we just didn't want to mess up on the easy stuff and look like fools--we figured we could handle the really major things, like 'don't let him starve' and 'don't let him play with plastic bags' and such.  But, please oh please let this diaper stay on and not fall off.  And, what are you supposed to do with all this breastfeeding stuff?  Richard changed Connor's diaper when I was too sore from the c/s that first night.  I laughed when I saw the urine spray up in the air--Richard was so cute.

I tried to do everything 'by the book' with Connor--which really aggravated mama, who wanted me to put him to sleep on his belly and give him something called "pablum" when he was only 5 weeks old (sounds like it might've been baby rice cereal) to help him sleep 'better'.   Well, we turned out okay--I could hear her thinking it.

We definitely tip-toed around Connor more than perhaps we should have done.  I was so focused and obsessive about him sleeping well--partly because, selfishly, I wanted some of my time back and partly because that's what I thought he should be doing.  So many days and nights I spent 30-45 minutes just pacing back and forth with him on my shoulder until he finally fell asleep and I could lay him down.  I never really just put him down and let him cry it out--at least not during those first three months or so. 

Over the course of his first year, naptime and bedtime became easier and easier, until all I had to do was put him into bed and he would simply turn over and fall asleep--a feat I, to some degree, credit myself (probably wrongly) for all those hours 'teaching' him to sleep at certain times of the day.  I remember what a wonderful gift it was for Richard and I to get our night back--when Connor would go down to bed for the night around 8pm and sleep until 6 or 7am.  Overjoyed that I had couch time and conversation time back, I really was hesitant to talk about baby number two when we'd have to give that time up again for a time.  So selfish!  But, to this day, Connor is a champion sleeper. 

I hear other moms talking about how their kids never really napped or they only took 30 minute naps, even when they were babies.  I marvel at their sanity and the casual way that they throw it into the conversation.  My sinful heart relishes my success in this area and I then convince myself that they just didn't try hard enough.  I'm brought back to reality, usually abruptly, when I see Connor's shyness ruling when we're in public and other kids having no difficulty joining in or answering those silly questions adults ask the children of their friends (like 'how old are you?' and 'what's your name?')  I know that God has made my little man a little more cautious than some others--and I need to give those other moms a break . . .not their fault their kids don't sleep as well as mine does.  Although, just let me say, we have been around some folks who I'm convinced make it nearly impossible for their kids to thrive--amazing how some people with kids are so hung up on their lives not changing at all that they go about their daily lives as if the children are just along for the ride--sometimes they eat breakfast...sometimes they don't....sometimes they go to bed at 7:30...sometimes 11pm...--we've been around families like this and are so baffled.  What are their parents thinking?  Are they thinking?  That type always makes my parenting style seem especially anal. 

.....but, I digress...

Bottom line:  Connor loves his sleep...and, even when he doesn't love it, he's gotta have it or we all suffer.  Know what I mean?  Without it, his whine and complain and short-fuse buttons are all turned on HIGH and constant. 

Now, naptime usually consists of us visiting the potty and then Connor climbing into bed.  Then, in an attempt to stall, he'll make a few requests that I can usually fend off if I can anticipate them.  He'll usually stay down after I threaten that he'll be too tired to play later if he doesn't take a good long nap. 

Naps these days usually last around 1 1/2 hours -2 1/2 hours.  (I know, WOW, right?)

Bedtime has the potential to be a little dicier.  Bath with a lot of silliness, then brushing teeth and struggling to put on 'jammies', and then we climb into bed.  I say prayers with him--usually he interupts a bunch...sometimes wanting to add something he's thankful for and sometimes to ask me a 'stall question'.  Then a firm demand that he stays in the bed--he has a bad habit of getting up with lots of excuses (eg. "somefin makes me scared" or "I wanted to give you a kiss" or "I want to take my monkey to bed").  Lately, this reminder to not get up works. 

We'll see what next week brings.

Snow Day

The snow started around 7am.  It's 10:30am now.  If you'd asked me a few months ago, I would've never believed that this would be our 4th snow this winter.  Thank you El Nino!

I love a good snow day.  It reminds me of living in Chapel Hill, NC, in 2000, when it snowed over 2 feet and everything seemed to stop for weeks.  I was working at the Burn Center at UNC Memorial at that time and I lived in a little basement apartment about 5 miles from the hospital.  My first shift after the snow, I strapped on my boots and set out to walk around 5:30am.  It was so dark but the icicles reflected the few generator lights that were on after the power failure.  It was breathtaking and so quiet.  To get from my apartment to the hospital, there is this huge 1/2 mile hill to climb.  The ice was thick on top of the sidewalks, so I'm glad that it was dark, so there was no chance of anyone seeing me struggle--not that anyone was around at the time.  The hospital didn't close during this extraordinary storm, so I was expected at work...except for hospitals, police, firefighters, and other 'essential' employees, everything else was closed.

It's so exciting for us to watch Connor see and enjoy snow for the first time.  The day we brought him home from the hospital, the day before Easter that year, it was snowing about like today.  I've been so hoping that living in TX wouldn't prevent us from enjoying this winter beauty.  I get so annoyed when folks complain about the cold and wish for summer to get here sooner.  Come on, people!  Summer here lasts from about May until November...brutally hot from sun rise until 10pm at night, if you ask me.  I love these cold winter days.  Such a gift!

Enough of this.
Connor and I are going outside to play while Aidan is asleep.

Date Night

Years ago, I wouldn't normally get so excited about a movie (matinee, in fact) and dinner out; but, boy we sure do jump at the chance now!  Well, Richard jumps--I very cautiously hop. . .worried about Connor getting so upset when we leave.  I started testing the waters around 3pm:

Me:  Miss Sarah is going to come play tonight.
Connor:  We can play choo choo train!
Me:  Yeah, y'all can.  Daddy is taking Mommie to a movie while y'all play.
Connor:  No, Mommie--don't leave.
Me:  Well, darling, we'll be back in time for your bath and bedtime.
Connor:  (lips beginning to quiver)  No, Mommie, I want to come 'wiss' you. 

This went on for a while until he finally erupted into full fledge crying and collapsed onto my chest.  While I kept reassuring him that we'd be there before bedtime, he uped the anti by, very dramatically, wiping away a tear on his cheek and looking at me with such a pleading expression.  Ugh!

[Connor, how do I protect you AND help you grow at the same time?  I love you so much, and I breaks my heart for you to be sad.]

He's always a little timid going to PDO and church nursery, but getting braver every time.  However, the idea of a  babysitter-over-to-the-house business is just more than his little nerves can stand right now. 
Different story when we left for the movie--he was busy talking away to Sarah, not giving us another thought.  Really different story when we got home--like a monkey climbing in trees, he was up on the counters playing with his tooth brush while Sarah was bathing Aidan; and, then he kept singing at the top of his lungs, running from room to room like a whirlwind and then making circles around Sarah.

He is so much like me.  I dread things unjustly, and then end up having a good time.  I guess my expectations are low, maybe as a defense mechanism. . . or maybe (more likely), I'm just a closet pessimist with a "glass half-full" persona.  Mmmm!

Anyway, kids and no time to myself is helping me really enjoy those rare 'date nights'.  Ours was very low-key, but so fun:  movie (The Education) and dinner (Pei Wei).  Movie--very good, much better than I thought it would be---except, it seemed to offer no consequences for very stupid behavior except the lesson learned from the memory of really stupid behavior (but, really, does every movie have a moral obligation to teach us--I was very happy just being entertained).

All in all, good night.  Now a glass of wine and a cuddle on the couch with Richard.  Here's to the 'glass [being] half-full'.

Setting:   cold study, morning, sounds of Dan Zanes floating through the air. . .even though there are no children around.  Connor is at PDO and Aidan is blissfully asleep.  Richard is at work.
Me:  sick day, supposed to be at bible study. . .I even did the work.  Oh well.  It's nearly freezing outside and raining and I'm contemplating starting this blog.
I've always thought of myself as one of those folks who would journal.  I've started about 10 in my lifetime that have, usually, ended up with blank pages after about the 3rd week.  In some weird way, I think that starting a blog is somehow narcissistic or vain--like I'm hoping that someone would read my thoughts and reward me with a young new author award. 
Actually, to my dismay, amnesia since childbirth has set in and I'm so afraid that I'm going to forget all those moments that we say we'll never forget--like the quiet cuddles on the couch and how it feels so good to have Connor snuggle to me after his nap, the way his hair smells like a mixture of shampoo/sweat/ear wax (gross, right? not to me, so precious), how Aidan crinkles his nose up and purses his lips when he has a buggar, or even how I love to look up from my "designated" place on the sofa at night after the kids are tucked into bed and see Richard engrossed in one of his novels or laughing while reading Dear Abby in the newspaper (which goes against all preconceived notions about his tolerance for stupidity). 
I never want to forget. 

So this is for me. . .and someday for my boys.



Our family. . .wow!  10 years ago I couldn't even have conceieved of what those words  would mean outside of fond memories of childhood--Mama always having the right words for raising us girls, even if we didn't want to hear it; and, Daddy so strong and trying so hard to make us laugh, even when we didn't want to--and looking forward to those fun Thanksgivings and Christmases getting to catch up with aunts, uncles, and cousins. . .

Richard is my soulmate.  He came into my life right at a time when I was leaving behind the comforts of sureness from childhood and school to enter into the unknown world of life beyond that small town.  I thought that I'd already made that jump 5 years earlier when I started at UNC.  Always so independent, I tried despirately to shed that accent, the slowness of life, and naivity that Mama and Daddy had worked so hard to give us. 
Even though I didn't know it until later, I was losing myself during that time.  I read somewhere that a college-aged teenage girl separated from childhood female family members is very likely to experience a dramatic drop in self-confidence.
With Richard, I found my way back.  He was one of those guys that you were glad to bring home--smart, funny, easy to talk to, and not judgemental. . .and best of all, he was crazy about me.  He made it okay for me to want to be who I was.  In fact, I am more myself than I've ever been.
Nine years later, here we are in Waco, TX, of all places--twenty-one hours, by car, from my "home".  That's a testiment to "bringing me back"--I've never been more my parents daughter than I am here in TX with my family.  What do you know. . .the little girl from NC, all brighteyed and ready to please, fought the temptation to stay and be unaware of how perfect things were in order to take the leap into the crazy TX "frontier", battle the heat and awful cedar (and, might I add, Texans weird obsession with being Texan), and to grab life by the horns (ha! TX pun intended) with my love.  The best thing is that now, removed from that comfort zone, I see how wonderful my childhood and my family are and I am determined to give that to Connor and Aidan. 

God's will be done.