Schooled by a fish

You know when you have those *frick*-that's-what-I-sound-like moments.  These days, those moments happen for me whenever I watch my kids yell at each other using the same-dag-um words I use when I (dare I say it) yell at them.  Dang!

Well, this week, I was schooled by a fish at Barnes and Noble:

 This is my new favorite book to read to the boys; for a lot of reasons.  (1) I LOVE the rhythm and rhyming. It's like a song and the kids love repeating it. (2) The story is sooo funny and I really know people like this. (not me, of course).  (3) This has been the simplest and most fun way to talk to Connor and Aidan about how their "hulky, bulky sulking is an unattractive trait."
and, finally (4) it shows them how being pouty is a choice and NOT just how they are.

Poor Mr. Fish is sooooooo glum. He just bluuubs all throughout the sea.  Aidan loves to help me with the bluuubing.

All of Mr. Fish's friends try to talk to him and tell him to have a better attitude, to turn his frown upside down as it were.  Mr. Fish doesn't respond to well to all that talk.

I want to be able to teach Connor and Aidan about choosing their response to a bad situation rather than the situation choosing it for them.

In our house, the apple definitely does not fall far from the tree.  The honor of sulkiest, grudge-holding-est Russell was mine til Connor came along.  I cringe at myself in him when he gets into a funk and refuses to let things go--I know I'm looking straight into a mirror--and not on a good hair day kind of mirror gazing. 

If I'm completely honest here, Connor's long-lasting grudges (and by long-lasting I mean 30-45 minutes or so) result from real and justified anger at Aidan for some stinker offense (or, maybe I just find solidarity in another sulker's plight)  ...but, how he handles the anger snowballs.  *sigh*

But, Aidan does snatch, run off with, and antagonize without remorse until called out.  Maybe I'm also siding with the older sib here being one myself and remembering the TOTALLY fake cries and sob-stories....but, I digress.  (just kidding Gretta!)

Aidan IS quite the opposite, though not without his own dramatic glums.  He's much fierier and quicker to anger than Connor--sometimes he even anticipates injustice and furrows that brow before there's even reason too.  Aidan doesn't think in terms of fair and not fair.  It's either mine or not mine (the not mine is accompanied by tears, whining, and pleading).  And, he most certainly wastes no time running to me to gain my support for his side of the story--very.convincing.stuff let me tell you.

Well, our little pout-pout fish is convinced that he can be nothing but glum, pouty, and sad.  "It's just the way I am....I can't help it..."

Don't we all play this card from time to time (even if it's just in our own minds) in order to rationalize or justify ourselves?

I see the horrible way I've acted or the mean way I've treated my brother or friend or, even, I see that I'm wallowing in self-pity....BUT, I can't help it, it's just the way I am....I can't control what box the world puts me in.

So, how can we snap ourselves out of it?  Here in Mr. Fish's ocean, a quiet unknown fish swims up and DOESN'T lecture Mr. Fish.  She simply plants a big SMOOCH on his giant pout.  Suddenly, Mr. Fish realizes that he's actually NOT a pout-pout fish, but rather a KISS-KISS fish instead. A whole new outlook on life. 

Every time I read it (yes, I've even read it to myself....no judgements please), I am convicted that my actions speak so much louder than my words.  ESPECIALLY as a mother.  I know that I am not my kids' Holy Spirit, but Richard and I are the closest living adult mirrors they've got to reflect the real One to emulate.  I want to, above all, love and kiss them--all the time.  Show them that God is love. Not condemnation.  Not self-pity.

Lord, whenever I'm trying to teach Connor and Aidan about their attitudes, help my actions show them that to be angry/sad is not an unnatural state to find yourself, but to realize that we can choose to wallow in it and blame the world for a badly dealt hand or we can choose to be responsible for ourselves and our actions.  We can't control the world, but we can control our response to it.

The desires of my heart

I've really been struggling a lot lately with self-image and self-worth.  Every day, I tell Connor and Aidan that God loves them and that they are sons of His and worthy of being in heaven forever with Him because of Jesus.  Yet, I'm not sure that I really believe that for myself these days. 

My heart aches every time they fight (which is a lot!) and I see, especially with Connor, how defeated and angry he becomes as I mangle discipline techniques by emphasizing more that he is wrong b/c of his behavior rather than because of his heart.  I do desire for his behavior to conform to our rules and that of his teachers; however, I feel like I'm not emparting enough how Jesus has saved us all from our wretched behavior and how there is no way we can ever measure up fully without Him. 

It's my desire for both Connor and Aidan to, rather than to act perfectly and follow every rule, realize that they are sinners and can never be anything but that.  That there is strength in the admission of sins.  The strength that comes from Jesus's forgiveness.  And, I pray for their hearts to be shaped and changed by it too.  I hope and pray each day that they would be filled with joy for this gift and that they would not find the unhappiness that comes with the ugly realization of our own shortcomings and disappointing performances.

This brings me back to myself.  Already I've alluded to how awful I feel knowing that my failures as a mother are teaching them to hate, not only themselves, but also each other.  I know, as I'm typing this, that I'm doing exactly what I wish that my boys would not do--to rely on my performance and not trust in the saving grace of the Holy Spirit who strengthens me.  It's a really hard habit to break. 
I watch a toy being snatched, I see the incoming assaults, and I hear the ugly words flying about.....and, really, most of the time I am at a real loss as to how to handle it.  I fail all.the.time!  And, I HATE it! 

Another recurring desire of mine is to have meaningful female friendships and this is the predominate source of feelings of failure these days.  I know that over the years, I've been guilty of not really putting myself out there like others have--I've been, to a large degree, content to be a friend, but not a best friend.  I always assume my presence is not important...what could I possible add....why would they want me...that they'd like to be with Richard and not me.  I've not been confident enough to push past the superficial for fear of finding out that they've seen my unworthiness too.
Pretty annoying stuff.

Things seemed so much more accessible before marriage and children.  My calling is such a precious gift to me and my number one duty and I certainly don't mean to be disrespectful to this job as wife and mother by dwelling so long in my grief about my lack of female companionship.

But, I do desire it. My hearts desire is to laugh, confide in, and pray for a sweet friend and to also know that that person is praying for me and loving my company and seeking my confidence as her friend.

I know that I'm made in the image of God.  His perfect, holy image was the mold from which I came.  These terrible, ugly feelings are not of Him.  They are of the world.  I am a sinner.  I have God's love and am the recipient of His love through Christ's sacrifice--a gift from One who is the real BFF.

I will continue to pray for that meaningful friendship and for God to open my eyes to opportunities to be a friend too.  I'll ask that He bring someone along who can realize my unsure footing in this area and mercifully look past it, seek me out knowing that I'm scared to do this for myself.  And, mostly, I'll pray that God strengthens my faith in His love for me and not to dwell in my perceptions of how others think of me.

Argh!  I hate wallowing.  Maybe tomorrow will be better!