A day of firsts

• Aidan's first day in his 3-4year old preschool class.  Big boy!  He didn't even look back.  I left him rattling off a series of things to Mrs. Ginger about his trucks, very important I have no doubt.  Later, when he told me about his day, he referred to the playground, his classroom, and his school as Connor's school--like he was at Connor's school today and he played on Connor's playground, etc.  I'm sure the idea of following his big bro's footsteps is a comforting feeling (no surprises...Connor survived and therefore, so will I).  I pray for Aidan to always know that Jesus loves him, for him to continue to light the world like sunshine, and for his new friendships to grow.
• Today, we saw the first tears from Connor when he pleaded with me to come and get him early from school tomorrow.  "I don't want to go back to kindergarten, Mama.  It's so long!"  My heart ached for him and I wanted so badly to be able to say,"of course, baby, Mama won't make you stay at that long, long school!......"  But, of course, I didn't and I can't.  With as much empathy and compassion I could muster, I told him he'd have to go back, stay the whole day, and we'd have to come up with a solution to help him deal with his feelings.  Oh yeah, his feelings.  In passing tonight, he tells me that when he's at school, he sometimes has feelings of being nervous.  Curious, I asked him nervous about what exactly?  He said that it was different stuff...like being scared of his teacher (not a new thing with him when it comes to new situations)....also, scary stuff like nightmares  (well, this wasn't expected--never had that kind of fear at school).  I pray for Connor to always know that Jesus loves him, for these feelings to disappear, that he will find joy in his classwork and in his friends, that he will have energy, that he would feel the closeness of the Lord protecting him each and every day, and I pray that God will continue to sharpen his mind and shape his character throughout this difficult time.
• Today, for the first time, I got all the way to school to drop off Aidan and I realized that I'd let his lunch at home.  Blerg!  Yep, that was about 30 minutes on the road that I'll never get back.
• This morning was the first time that Aidan climbed out of his crib without our help.  I awoke today to them whispering in their room and later I realized that Aidan's voice was moving around.  I heard Connor say something about don't wake up mama and daddy.  Then I saw bright lights through my eyelids and realized they had flashlights.  When I sat up, I saw their creation--they'd stretched out practically every baby blanket that we owned and placed them end to end, making a road of sorts from our bathroom all the way into their room.  Sweet playing and loving each other's company that early in morning was music to my ears and warmed my heart.
• I am officially, for the first time ever, a member of a fantasy football league.  That's right.  Jump back!  I know practically nothing about the individual football players, but hey, what fun!  Oh, and my team name: Vamp from Savannah. tee hee hee

Lesson Plan Preview

I think that I'm starting a fun tradition on Fridays to record the lesson plans for Connor's class the upcoming week.  I love getting this sneek peek into his world away from us:

Spelling/Literature: In spelling, we will be discussing letter names and sounds. We will be focusing on the sounds of i, t, and p. In literature, we will be learning how to hold a book correctly, and to identify the title, author, and illustrator. This week we will introduce and discuss characters and setting. (All week this week Connor has been having fun rhyming words....a game that I was never able to coax him into playing.  I'm definitely seeing that the collective peer pressure of school instruction in this way is very positive for Connor) 

Unit Study: This week in Unit Study, we will be discussing Communities. We will discuss the different services and businesses within a community. We will introduce that communities around the world have similar characteristics. We will even be creating a model community within the classroom.  (I'm seeing this play out in a lot of questions for me and Richard about how we as a family fit into our community).

Math: In math, students will learn to count to 10 and write the numerals for these numbers, and to find one more or one less to solidify the counting sequence. This week we will be focusing on: knowing that objects can represent a set of objects up to 5 and fingers and toes together can represent up to 20; determining one more; understanding and showing the meaning of same and more; and knowing how many more. We will be using manipulatives and hands on activities to learn about numbers.  (This is one of the aspects of Connor's school that I love--getting the kids to think outside of the box and to complement their standard lessons with hands-on activities. 

 

Nature Study: This week, we will review the seven characteristics of living things (breathing, feeding, movement, growth, reproduction, excretion, sensitivity) and we will use these characteristics to identify objects as living or non-living. We will learn about the scientist Linnaeus, and how he created the Classification System. We will also introduce the five kingdoms of living things.  What can I say....I didn't get introduced to this til I was in 7th grade!  I know he won't be breaking down the genus and species of plants and such, but, really, wow!  I'm so excited that he's getting exposure in a structured way to this stuff, with his teacher applying what they learn (rather than what I'd do and just tell him and then leaving it for another topic).  I love school!

Bible: This week, we will be reading the stories of“Noah’s Ark” and “The Flood.” Please read these stories at home with your child, and have them narrate the story back to you.

Show and Tell: Show and Tell for this week will be free choice. The object must fit into your child’s backpack, with the backpack still able to be zipped up.  This should be fun to see what he'll bring.

Cherishing little boy's point of view

Just a quick peek into Connor's take on the world:

In the car after school, Connor tells me how his teacher took a light and a mirror and bent the light and made it shine onto the wall.  And, then how she used colors and bent the colors too and shone them on the wall.

I was astounded, thinking that his class was embarking on some pretty amazing physics experiments.  I was all,"Wow! Mrs. Maeyaert is really ambitious!"

As he kept describing how it worked, I finally figured out that he was talking about an overhead projector that they must've used that day.
Oh, the amazement and wonder of my little smarty-pants.

I love how his mind must've really studied that machine to figure out how the picture ended up on the opposite wall while his teacher drew maps of the world on it as they learned about oceans and continents.  It must've mesmerized him.  I love his curious mind.

Here's a picture he took--he's moved on from still-shots.  He wanted to take a few while he spun around to capture the motion.  What a kid!

Lesson Plans

Connor's teacher sent the parents a preview of next week.  Wow!  They are going to be busy little bees. 

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For the Week of August 20-24, 2012

Welcome to Kindergarten! We are so excited about this new year!

Snack Helper for this Week: Margaret

Snack Helper for Next Week: Miriam

Spelling and Literature: This week for spelling, we will be segmenting sentences into words, counting the words in a sentence, and segmenting words into syllables. In literature, we will begin an author study focusing on Robert McCloskey. We will be reading his works Make Way for Ducklings, Lentil, Blueberries for Sal, One Morning in May, and Journey Cake, Ho! We will be learning how to hold a book correctly, and to identify the title, author, and illustrator. In grammar, we will begin learning the sentence structure of a statement.

Unit Study: This week in Unit Study, we will be discussing Earth, the seven continents, and the four oceans. We will be learning about the compass rose and the directions north, south, east, and west. We will be learning a song about the continents and oceans. We will also begin learning about Communities. We will discuss the different services and businesses within a community. We will introduce that communities around the world have similar characteristics.

(Connor is going to LOVE this part.  And, it'll give him a chance to really use his compass)

Math: In math, students will learn to count to 10 and write the numerals for these numbers, and to find one more or one less to solidify the counting sequence. This week we will be focusing on composing/decomposing numbers through 10, one-to-one correspondence, pairing number names with numerals, ordering numbers 0-10, and understanding the concept of one more. We will be using manipulatives and hands on activities to learn about numbers. (He's waaayyy past counting to ten, but I'm sure there's a lot more to it when you figure in all that composing and decomposing and pairing that she talks about....Guess it'll be a while before they get to googoplex!)

Nature Study: This week, we will learn the seven characteristics of living things (breathing, feeding, movement, growth, reproduction, excretion, sensitivity) and we will use these characteristics to identify objects as living or non-living. (the boys will love the excretion part...hee hee)

Bible: This week, we will be reading the stories of“The Garden of Eden” and “Cain and Abel.” Please read these stories at home with your child, and have them narrate the story back to you.

Show and Tell: Please have your child bring a picture of something living and something non-living. The picture can be from the internet, a magazine, a drawing, or a photograph. Your child should be ready to share three (3) things about their Show & Tell with the class.
(After I told Connor what next week's S&T would be, he crinkled up his nose and said,"But Mama!  There are like thousands of living things...How can I pick only one?!"  Hold on there fella...)

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I'm so excited for him!

First day of kindergarten for Connor

I want to preserve all of today to look back on b/c I know these feelings of newness and excitment and nervousness will fade soon.

Connor started kindergarten today.  Boy, that sentence is packed full of emotion as I type it...might not read like it later, but let me tell you!

The lead-up to his big day was nothing short of overwhelming for me.  Really and truly, there was not much to actually do aside from buying school supplies, uniforms, shoes, getting to parent orientation and meet the teacher night.......well, I guess there WAS quite a bit of prep.  My emotional and physical state came to a giant head last week and the faucet turned on--full-blast.  But, once I got it out and saw how excited Connor was getting, I have been so excited for this day to get here.

Today, of course, my eyes wouldn't shut after 4am, while my little kindergartener slept soundly til I woke him at 7:10.

As I pattered around the house, made his lunch, got myself ready for work, I began to remember my own school mornings.  I don't really remember my first day of kindergarten.  I do remember my first day of 2nd grade (in a new school) very well.  There was me, little miss something, in a big room full of other someones and I knew nobody.  I remember very distinctly 'ordering' ice cream with lunch when I turned in my lunch money to the teacher.  I envisioned three scoops of glorious strawberry ice cream, topped by a bright red cherry.  Wha!!??I know, right??!!  Later, as I sat finishing what I'm sure was a very sad and forgettable cafeteria lunch, a solid brick ice cream sandwich CLUNKED onto the table beside me.  Well, it was strawberry....sigh...

I remember those familiar sounds while waking early on school days--the sound of my mama walking down the hallway, her make-up containers hitting the vanity tray as she got ready of a morning, the way the birds sounded as the sun peeked out between the trees, my ticking alarm clock on my nightstand, zippers, closet doors...
This morning, I wondered what Connor's sounds would be...what would he later remember of his school mornings. 

I sat on the edge of his bed and rubbed his back.  He grinned when he opened his eyes and saw me there.  I saw him remember what today was (he noticed the outfit that he'd taken out last night....yep, the child was so excited that he laid out all his clothes the night before, including his shoes.)

Breakfast was the same as almost every other morning.  Waffles with nutella. 

Aidan was so sweet about the whole thing too--he is really going to miss long days with Connor.  They started playing with a toy light sabre, and I teared up thinking about how there would be fewer and fewer mornings when they could just play on and on for hours. 

There was no drama getting to the car.  I think he was relieved to see other kids walking in with there parents--probably noticed that the other kids were nervous like him.  He took a little charge of us--kind of herded us ('come on mama, we need to go this way' and stuff like that).
As we walked into to the school building, I was so surprised that Connor walked on ahead of us...by himself!  It was just what I needed to see.

He was so proud to hang his backpack on his hook and put his lunch bag in his cubby.  Mrs. Maeyeart, his teacher, had play-doh for each child to play at their seats.  I could tell we were embarrassing Connor a little with all our pictures...but he really took it in stride and I think that I even noticed a little pride from him for us. 

Leaving.  Walking out was not tearful for me like I thought it would be.  I guess if he'd been sad or crying, I would never have made it out.  But, praise the Lord, he looked happy and proud of his little accomplishment..making it to his first day...getting here. 
I went back a couple times and peeked in the door (not crazy...all within like 5 minutes.  I just had to get one more look.).  He would feel me watching and turn, grin, and wave like 'I see you...okay...see you after school...sheesh'.

Oh, and we'd given him a special first-day gift.  A small, pocket-size compass.  He loves stuff like that, and he's enjoyed figuring out how to use it.  I told him that it was a symbol and was supposed to remind him while he's away from us at school that he is never lost as long as he has faith in Jesus...that He is always with him and will never lose him.  He's not let it out of his sight since he got it.  I love little boys.  Especially my little....nope, BIG boy :)

Pick-up:  I couldn't get to school fast enough to pick him up.  We were 20 minutes early.  I resisted the urge to go in and do a bit more peeking.  A few moms and dads walked up--I could tell they were trying to stay put too (one asked,"can't we go in?  are we just supposed to wait out here?!").  Finally, the troops came filing out behind the teachers.  Connor caught my eye behind the glass door and waved great big.  He was fine...in one piece...smiling...happy....whew!!

Now, my little chatterbox is anything but chatter-ey about what I want to hear about.  My strategy to get a few kindergarten tid bits out of him was to NOT ask directly.  I usually give him 5-10minutes of quiet in the car.  Finally, he tells me:

• it was pretty fun.  you know, it was pretty fast...like Mrs. Stephanie's and Mrs. Kelley's.
• you were right Mama...the teacher told us where to go. (he had been a little anxious about being able to find the bathroom and where to eat lunch)
• you know, we didn't even have naptime.  But, I'll still bring my taggie blanket and Old Puppy in my backpack everyday...just. in. case.
• well, I already made a friend.  (I asked what was his or her name).  It was a boy. (oh, well, what was his name?).  Well, I didn't ask him that!  I looked under the table and then he looked under the table and then we just kept doing that over and over...so, we're friends!

Aidan was glad to get big brother back home too.  He kept hugging and kissing him which made Connor crazy-annoyed.  Not to mention all the pictures I took (I've no regrets...no apologies from this here mama).

As I rehashed the day in my mind later, I smiled to myself thinking about how small he felt in my arms as an infant, the countless hours spent pacing the nursery trying to get him to nap, the days exploring the backyard and digging in the sandbox, the hundreds of thousands of hugs and kisses given and taken, sending him to time-out...and not sending him to time-out when I should've, making mama-mistakes, being rewarded with successes, praying for his soul and heart and character, and being there each time he did anything..for the first time........and, realizing I'm sending him alone for a big part of his day to learn, discover, wonder, and do things for the first time without me.  It is so hard and brings me so much pride at the same time.  He is my awesome, sweet, smart, and loving little boy--the best 5 year old I know.

Aidan: a THREE year old!

Dear Aidan,

You turned 3 last month and I just don't know where the time has gone.  It seems like just yesterday you were kicking my tummy.  Daddy and I were so excited to meet you, our sweet baby boy!  When the doctor held you up for the first time and I saw your pink face and soft red hair, I was in love from the first moment.  Daddy was very proud holding you and showing you off.  I wanted to hold on to and guard that moment forever in my memory...how I felt with that first glance and hearing your first cries. 

Grandma and Pop Pop carried Connor in to get a peek at you while you lay in the nursery for the first time.  He was very curious about you.  He had never had a brother before.  (you've taught him a lot about that since then).

For the first few months, you seemed to be patient and content to sleep and eat.  There was so much noise and chaos at first, but you just took it all in stride.  We kept you most days in the pack-n-play in the kitchen or the den, right in the middle of all the action and conversation.

Around about 5 or 6 months, it seemed you woke up from your baby sleepiness.  You sometimes fretted at night....I was sure that you were starting to teethe. 

After you were about a year and a half and you were still waking in the middle of the night fairly regularly, I became convinced you simply wanted some one-on-one time with us and a little cuddle.  It was a bit exhausting for me and daddy, but you were such a sweet and smiley boy that we hardly noticed.

Aidan means 'fiery' and Samuel was picked because Hannah's son in the Bible was Samuel and it means 'God heard'.  Imagine: a passionate, fiery, answer to prayer from God.  That's what you are Aidan...down to the very last drop of your being.  If something makes you mad, you explode and are overcome sometimes with your anger; then, as soon as you've gotten rid of all that 'fire', you are so quick to apologize, smile, and hug.  Aidan, you are so easy-going--a quality that even I envy as I don't always approach life with the happy, optimistic, and forgiving temperment that I see in you (even as a child of three, you are God's witness to your Mama!).  You love your family and your trust is a marvel to me...especially, your trust and faith in Connor (despite y'all's repeated quarrels).  Holding a grudge is unheard-of for you. 

You've so much confidence!  When unfamiliar adults or kids are around, you answer their questions, look them in the eye, laugh surely, and join in new games...You got THAT from Daddy!  I pray that you will always be that little sunshine that fills the room with light.

Right now in your three-ness, Aidan, you like:

• cars, trucks, planes, and basically anything with wheels. You scoot and drive your vehicles over the carpet and couch and make little rubbling sound effects for them (never did we teach you this--you've got an innate and passionate understanding for how they work)
• peaches, grapes, apples, pears, mac 'n cheese, and nutella. My sweet boy is also crazy about sweets--you reach for smarties and suckers from our 'magic box'.
• no, you love for Mama to do EVERYTHING for/with you. Daddy gets quite the complex when you shoo his kisses away whenever I'm in the room or insist that I change your diaper, not him. You call out for me in the morning...sometimes pretty insistently. But, seriously, I LOVE the look on your face when I open the bedroom door and see you see me--your face lights up in the most magnificent smile...even your eyes smile. Sometimes during the day, you'll just stop, look at me and say,"Mama, I just love you and I'm your best friend." I.LOVE.THAT.
• "Kipper" and "Phineas and Ferb" (I think that latter is b/c it's your brother's favorite).
• for us to read to you--hard to nail down your favorite book. Right now, it's a book from the library called _Convertibles_ (go figure)
• your friends. This is a new one just recently. I'm not necessarily hearing you come home from parent's day out talking about certain friends except the occasional mention of Armando. Mostly, you love those friends you see regularly while you're with us--like at church (Clark, Cooper, Abby, Noah, James, Luke.....). You are a very loyal and encouraging friend....especially, to your best friend, Connor.
• to forgive.  You are a great forgiver.  Now, you can get mighty angry. But, forgive--now that's something you do VERY WELL.  Everyday, you teach me how to love more by watching you.

We love you so much sweet Aid-ey!  You ARE my sunshine. 

FIVE

Connor,

We still remember that cool, crisp Saturday morning that it became clear that we would meet you for the first time.  Daddy and I were so excited...and nervous.  We'd only known you as the little bean who kicked, especially at night, who made Mama lightheaded around 10am for some reason, who led to many discussions from "concerned" bystanders that maybe you were really two babies instead of one, and who liked to be supported on a pillow while Mama tried to sleep at night, and who had the most handsome profile on ultrasound that we'd ever seen.

After you were here, the nurse brought you to me.  I remember thinking that the light above my hospital bed must be too bright, b/c you squinted your eyes.  I thought that your brow was very thoughtful and discerning.  You had a small red, stork-bite on the back of your neck--further confirmation that you were our little gift from above.  You felt so good in my arms.  Daddy was amazed at you.  We stumbled through our first night with you--funny stories for another time--and brought you home the day before Easter, in the snow.

 Here we are 5 years later.  Connor, Mama and Daddy are so proud of the boy that you've become.  You are bright.....no....you are scary smart!  You love being outside.  Cammo is your new favorite ensemble.  You'd wear it every single day if I could keep up the laundry (heck, you wear it dirty some days).  You love to catch bugs and butterflies and you love to learn about bugs, snakes, scorpions, and other really creepy critters. 

 Your special friends right now are Sam, Nate, Jaxson, Jackson, Wes, Caleb, Gavin, David, and (even though you guys fight a lot) Aidan.  You have a very strong and opinionated personality when you are comfortable with your surroundings.  When you're not, you watch and wait and stick close to us.  You think a lot.  Sometimes, long after I've forgotten, you reveal a decision you've made or a conclusion you've come to about a certain interaction or struggle that made an impact on you. 

 I didn't realize that while you played soccor all spring, you were a bit anxious about running ahead of us and striking out on your own whenever we arrived at the fields.  One day, you ran ahead and joined your team while we were still getting out of the car.  Later, you exclaimed (triumphantly) "I ran out onto the field all by myself!"  Brave boy!  I didn't even know you'd had that particular anxiety.  I loved watching you overcome those personal obstacles. 

I've learned as your Mama that you find situations more comfortable when you know ahead of time what's happening and have a bit of preparation.  Our first trip to the dentist last year made you so nervous.  But, we talked a lot ahead of time about what the dentist would do and what she would say.  You also liked talking over some things that you could say if she asked you questions.  (you're a pleaser like mama).  You did so great!  She asked you what grade you were in at school and (just like we'd practiced) you confidently told her, "I'm in pre-kindergarten". 

Your pre-kindergarten teachers this past year were Mrs. Stephanie and Mrs. Kelley.  We all loved them very much.  Every Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday you'd come home with happy stories of playground fun, centers with friends, crafts, and field trips.

You love art, especially painting.  The picture above you painted and named it "outer space".  Your teachers at school and church say that you spend a lot of time and concentration on the colors of your various projects.  (incidently, your favorite color is usually purple, but sometimes it's this purplish red color)

Your most recent passion is numbers.  You love to count and love to ask us (over and over again) how high we can count or if we can count to a certain, specific number.  You've learned that infinity is never-ending and that googol or googoflex (?) is the highest number ?imagined or counted?  I don't fully understand exactly what you know about this.
Grandma gave you a simple addition workbook and you've been obscessed with the math problems--you are really good at it too!

And, finally, you love maps and finding your way from point A to point B.  You know all the states between TX and NC.  A game we've played on occasion involves me drawing a map of the house and making marks from a certain starting point to a mysterious X where some secret treasure can be found.  You love this game and usually want to play it over and over.

I'm so thankful that you also seem to, in your own five-year-old-way, truly have faith in your Savior.  I know that the true understanding of Jesus and His sacrifice is not yet fully realized (not sure if it is for me on a daily basis either), but you know it and accept what Jesus did for us as Truth.  I will continue to pray that God will work on your heart, dear Connor, this year sharpen your character into His perfect Will for you. 

I love you sweetie,

Mama

Schooled by a fish

You know when you have those *frick*-that's-what-I-sound-like moments.  These days, those moments happen for me whenever I watch my kids yell at each other using the same-dag-um words I use when I (dare I say it) yell at them.  Dang!

Well, this week, I was schooled by a fish at Barnes and Noble:

 This is my new favorite book to read to the boys; for a lot of reasons.  (1) I LOVE the rhythm and rhyming. It's like a song and the kids love repeating it. (2) The story is sooo funny and I really know people like this. (not me, of course).  (3) This has been the simplest and most fun way to talk to Connor and Aidan about how their "hulky, bulky sulking is an unattractive trait."
and, finally (4) it shows them how being pouty is a choice and NOT just how they are.

Poor Mr. Fish is sooooooo glum. He just bluuubs all throughout the sea.  Aidan loves to help me with the bluuubing.

All of Mr. Fish's friends try to talk to him and tell him to have a better attitude, to turn his frown upside down as it were.  Mr. Fish doesn't respond to well to all that talk.

I want to be able to teach Connor and Aidan about choosing their response to a bad situation rather than the situation choosing it for them.

In our house, the apple definitely does not fall far from the tree.  The honor of sulkiest, grudge-holding-est Russell was mine til Connor came along.  I cringe at myself in him when he gets into a funk and refuses to let things go--I know I'm looking straight into a mirror--and not on a good hair day kind of mirror gazing. 

If I'm completely honest here, Connor's long-lasting grudges (and by long-lasting I mean 30-45 minutes or so) result from real and justified anger at Aidan for some stinker offense (or, maybe I just find solidarity in another sulker's plight)  ...but, how he handles the anger snowballs.  *sigh*

But, Aidan does snatch, run off with, and antagonize without remorse until called out.  Maybe I'm also siding with the older sib here being one myself and remembering the TOTALLY fake cries and sob-stories....but, I digress.  (just kidding Gretta!)

Aidan IS quite the opposite, though not without his own dramatic glums.  He's much fierier and quicker to anger than Connor--sometimes he even anticipates injustice and furrows that brow before there's even reason too.  Aidan doesn't think in terms of fair and not fair.  It's either mine or not mine (the not mine is accompanied by tears, whining, and pleading).  And, he most certainly wastes no time running to me to gain my support for his side of the story--very.convincing.stuff let me tell you.

Well, our little pout-pout fish is convinced that he can be nothing but glum, pouty, and sad.  "It's just the way I am....I can't help it..."

Don't we all play this card from time to time (even if it's just in our own minds) in order to rationalize or justify ourselves?

I see the horrible way I've acted or the mean way I've treated my brother or friend or, even, I see that I'm wallowing in self-pity....BUT, I can't help it, it's just the way I am....I can't control what box the world puts me in.

So, how can we snap ourselves out of it?  Here in Mr. Fish's ocean, a quiet unknown fish swims up and DOESN'T lecture Mr. Fish.  She simply plants a big SMOOCH on his giant pout.  Suddenly, Mr. Fish realizes that he's actually NOT a pout-pout fish, but rather a KISS-KISS fish instead. A whole new outlook on life. 

Every time I read it (yes, I've even read it to myself....no judgements please), I am convicted that my actions speak so much louder than my words.  ESPECIALLY as a mother.  I know that I am not my kids' Holy Spirit, but Richard and I are the closest living adult mirrors they've got to reflect the real One to emulate.  I want to, above all, love and kiss them--all the time.  Show them that God is love. Not condemnation.  Not self-pity.

Lord, whenever I'm trying to teach Connor and Aidan about their attitudes, help my actions show them that to be angry/sad is not an unnatural state to find yourself, but to realize that we can choose to wallow in it and blame the world for a badly dealt hand or we can choose to be responsible for ourselves and our actions.  We can't control the world, but we can control our response to it.

The desires of my heart

I've really been struggling a lot lately with self-image and self-worth.  Every day, I tell Connor and Aidan that God loves them and that they are sons of His and worthy of being in heaven forever with Him because of Jesus.  Yet, I'm not sure that I really believe that for myself these days. 

My heart aches every time they fight (which is a lot!) and I see, especially with Connor, how defeated and angry he becomes as I mangle discipline techniques by emphasizing more that he is wrong b/c of his behavior rather than because of his heart.  I do desire for his behavior to conform to our rules and that of his teachers; however, I feel like I'm not emparting enough how Jesus has saved us all from our wretched behavior and how there is no way we can ever measure up fully without Him. 

It's my desire for both Connor and Aidan to, rather than to act perfectly and follow every rule, realize that they are sinners and can never be anything but that.  That there is strength in the admission of sins.  The strength that comes from Jesus's forgiveness.  And, I pray for their hearts to be shaped and changed by it too.  I hope and pray each day that they would be filled with joy for this gift and that they would not find the unhappiness that comes with the ugly realization of our own shortcomings and disappointing performances.

This brings me back to myself.  Already I've alluded to how awful I feel knowing that my failures as a mother are teaching them to hate, not only themselves, but also each other.  I know, as I'm typing this, that I'm doing exactly what I wish that my boys would not do--to rely on my performance and not trust in the saving grace of the Holy Spirit who strengthens me.  It's a really hard habit to break. 
I watch a toy being snatched, I see the incoming assaults, and I hear the ugly words flying about.....and, really, most of the time I am at a real loss as to how to handle it.  I fail all.the.time!  And, I HATE it! 

Another recurring desire of mine is to have meaningful female friendships and this is the predominate source of feelings of failure these days.  I know that over the years, I've been guilty of not really putting myself out there like others have--I've been, to a large degree, content to be a friend, but not a best friend.  I always assume my presence is not important...what could I possible add....why would they want me...that they'd like to be with Richard and not me.  I've not been confident enough to push past the superficial for fear of finding out that they've seen my unworthiness too.
Pretty annoying stuff.

Things seemed so much more accessible before marriage and children.  My calling is such a precious gift to me and my number one duty and I certainly don't mean to be disrespectful to this job as wife and mother by dwelling so long in my grief about my lack of female companionship.

But, I do desire it. My hearts desire is to laugh, confide in, and pray for a sweet friend and to also know that that person is praying for me and loving my company and seeking my confidence as her friend.

I know that I'm made in the image of God.  His perfect, holy image was the mold from which I came.  These terrible, ugly feelings are not of Him.  They are of the world.  I am a sinner.  I have God's love and am the recipient of His love through Christ's sacrifice--a gift from One who is the real BFF.

I will continue to pray for that meaningful friendship and for God to open my eyes to opportunities to be a friend too.  I'll ask that He bring someone along who can realize my unsure footing in this area and mercifully look past it, seek me out knowing that I'm scared to do this for myself.  And, mostly, I'll pray that God strengthens my faith in His love for me and not to dwell in my perceptions of how others think of me.

Argh!  I hate wallowing.  Maybe tomorrow will be better!

Catching things up

Somewhere just before Thanksgiving up until a week or so ago the busy, crazy hectic-ness of the holidays took over.  I hate scimming over all the great memories of these past two months--there have been a lot!  Thanksgiving in NC with Grandma and Pop Pop and Aunt Gretta, discovering the "briar patch" behind Grandma and Pop Pop's house, enjoying time with cousin Andrew and Cousin Hunter and Cousin Sarah Grace, Christmas parties with friends and with the boys' classes, the excitement surrounding Advent, decorating, baking, jingle bells and Christmas carols, Christmas trees, lights, secret presents, loving talking to the boys about the First Christmas and delighting in Connor's understanding of that this year, Aidan's first time to be able to verbalize his excitement for Christmas to us, continuing to watch them grow their friendships with their friends, a special birthday party for Richard, and the wonderful feeling of getting back to normal after all the craziness and just being able to enjoy each other.

This has been the warmest winter so far, barring a few cold snaps.  These two were taken while Richard was out of town to a conference.  Connor devised a plan to become a delivery boy and took on a willing partner.  And, one night we had a make-your-own-pizza dinner--the cheese was a big hit...and a big mess!
                                                                                              

These next few are from our fun time at Christmas on 5th street--a fun Baylor tradition. Notice, again, the short sleeves on Connor celebrating another warmer evening.

Our only visit to Santa was that night too.  Wishing now that I'd dressed them in cuter clothes for the occasion.  Connor was VERY into the whole present thing this Christmas.  And, between us, Grandma and Pop Pop, Aunt Marjorie and Uncle Herb, Aunt Gretta, Granddaddy, and Santa, they got showered (ridiculously) by the end of it.  We tried to downplay all the 'gimmies' by sharing them in the gift-giving with neighbors, lots of Bible stories about the nativity, carols, and frankly by praying that the Holy Spirit would shape their hearts through all this excitement with joy for the reason we celebrate with gifts in the first place.  Truly, we enjoyed watching their fun and we did humor their curiosity and imagination about St. Nick--the childish wonder will only last so long...and, what great memories for them!

My last post really harped on how much fighting had increased lately. And, that's still true, but we are also so glad to see them (as Aidan gets older) leaning on the other one for friendship too.  Giggles and plotting rule the day.  Connor still wants to be first at everything and is acutely aware when he's not; and Aidan, wants nothing more than for Connor to include him in anything...but, he's not shy from knowingly pushing Connor's buttons. 

I LOVE having boys!

Connor now really desires to be a helper.  Here he wanted to help me make dinner--he cracked the eggs and mixed them for me.

 Dinnertime in our house now is C to the R to the A to the Z to the Y!!!

Rocks, rocks, and more rocks--thankfully, we live on a sheet of limestone only a few inches below the dirt.  Connor has a massive rock collection--stored in the clubhouse--and he loves hunting for more.  Aidan is a willing participant.  It will be interesting to see what sorts of collections Aidan decides to start soon.  Right now, he loves stashing pennies and dimes he finds in the sofa cushions into his jean pockets. 

 And, forget about telling Aidan not to be silly...it just comes naturally!

NO! YES! NO! YES! Argh!

The Russell house has been a bit louder than usual these past few weeks.  Connor and Aidan have landed us smack dab in the middle of sibling rivalry H-E-double hockey sticks!  Y'all it is awful.  I have this secret dread that I've somehow caused it b/c of bad parenting or inconsistent discipline.  I really don't care that 'all brothers fight', which is usually what I get whenever I vent to friends about this.  I want a solution...NOW!  I'm a red-head and I think that I spotted some grey hairs last night!

From the moment they get up, whenever one says something, the other one says "NO" or "don't say that" or pushes the other away.  Connor gets so visibly angry at almost everything Aidan does and says; and, Aidan says,"No!" to almost everything that comes out of Connor's mouth. 

Connor seems to find endless fun in torturing his younger brother.  Like today, he noticed that Aidan was getting spooked by the thought of 'nightmares' and ghosts close to bedtime tonight--well, Connor wasted no time chanting about how there are nightmares down the hallway--so, I spent 30 minutes trying to unload the dishwater with a whining and clinging 2 yr old at my leg.  Or, knowing what Aidan's reaction would be, Connor will remind Aidan that he has to go to school on PDO days and then says, "Well, you have to...you gotta make do."  More whining.

Aidan, the instigator that he is combined with the desire to have anything of Connor's will see his older brother holding a toy and declare,"That mine!", then snatch and run.  What comes next comes close to breaking the sound barrier as both boys tear through the house, one chasing the other.  The end result is almost always a resnatch followed by wailing or the most avante garde worthy-of-academy-award-performance for any 4 yr old ever.
Oh, and the constant competition--this must be a guy thing cause I don't remember this one.  Connor's all,"well, Aidan, I can stay up at naptime, and you have to go to sleep" or "Aidan, I can run faster than you cause I'm bigger" or "I'm first to do [anything]". 

This mama is TIRED and FED UP!

Connor is fairly quick to forgive but r-e-a-l-l-y slow to apologize--usually, only to try and avoid punishment.  Aidan is a speedy apologizer but refuses to forgive, out of spite I think.  So, pretty much any quarreling situation is screwed from the start.

The only time that I've noticed these days when they do seem to play together without fighting is when they are plotting against me or encouraging each other to break a rule.  There is safety in numbers after all...

My gut feeling is that Aidan has taken his cues from Connor, although he has a stinker streak in him too.  I've made them each a 'kindness' star chart.  It seemed to really make a difference the first 10 minutes or so.  Then, Connor forgot about it in the midst of a project outside and I heard a hand slapping skin followed by Aidan screaming.  1...2...3...4...We are 2 days into this experiment, and do you know how many stickers they have?  2 each!  In 48 hours!  Ugh.  Are my expectations too high?

I don't think that I'm going to resolve this issue with a few stars, or even this year.  I'm hoping that the Lord will give wisdom, patience, and grace to deal with them without doing them bodily harm (you think I'm kidding?).  And, I pray that He will use these hard days to sharpen their characters and warm their hearts toward each other and to draw them closer to Himself.

Lord, thy will be done...and, give me strength!

Goal!!!!!!

So, I don't want the fall to get away from me before I mention our first experience with organized sports.  We signed Connor up for soccor this fall with a local city league.  At first, I'm pretty sure that we were more excited than he was about the whole thing.  Our little home-body was fairly slow to warm up to the idea, until he found out that daddy would be one of the coaches.  For me as a mama, this is truly the kind of thing that I'd been waiting for, so I was double-y glad and relieved that his fear of the unknown turned to excitement.

 The Cubs were not unlike the bad news bears in their abilities and in their desire to win.  It was comical to see how many clouds or butterflies were more interesting than the soccor ball whizzing past these kids on the field while the exasperated dads/coaches yelled,"go, kick the ball...go get the ball!" 

Connor really enjoyed the getting ready part for a practice or a game--for instance, the uniform (which consisted of a navy blue and white t-shirt, his own shorts, and shin-guards).  The shin-guards were his favorite--and, they were.very.cool.  He loved the high fives, the huddle cheers, and the end-of-quarter-water-breaks.

I guess it was merciful that he didn't care as much about the fact that they got creamed at about half their games.  It was really sweet how clueless they were.  Of course, their age-group division was without scoring and had no goalies, so the odds were that most of the kids had no idea how they were playing til they looked over at their cheering squad in the bleachers.  And, ours was full of "go get 'ems" and "good hussles" and the like (so, they won every game).

It was exactly how I pictured my first time as a soccor mom.  My bag was packed with brand new water bottles, my camera, and special surprise snacks for half-time.  At first, I was a little shy to cheer; but, it didn't take long for me to swell so with pride that I was belting out those "way to go Connor" cheers with no hesitation.  I'm not going to deny either that giant lump in my throat as I watched him go out there that first day in the blistering TX heat, my little brave man, and run his little heart out even though he was probably really scared b/c he didn't know any of the kids.  And, my heart leaped when I realized that he was quickly making friends and began to not only enjoy being out there with Richard, but also he really enjoyed that HE was out there.period.  He looked forward to going to games.  I could tell that he walked a little taller (and a little farther away from me) over the course of those short two months.    And, just to top off the whole experience (for mom and dad), he scored a goal--his only goal--the last second of the last play of the last game of the season!  GGOOAAALL!  I almost cried as a watched Richard pick him up and toss him into the air.