The desires of my heart

I've really been struggling a lot lately with self-image and self-worth.  Every day, I tell Connor and Aidan that God loves them and that they are sons of His and worthy of being in heaven forever with Him because of Jesus.  Yet, I'm not sure that I really believe that for myself these days. 

My heart aches every time they fight (which is a lot!) and I see, especially with Connor, how defeated and angry he becomes as I mangle discipline techniques by emphasizing more that he is wrong b/c of his behavior rather than because of his heart.  I do desire for his behavior to conform to our rules and that of his teachers; however, I feel like I'm not emparting enough how Jesus has saved us all from our wretched behavior and how there is no way we can ever measure up fully without Him. 

It's my desire for both Connor and Aidan to, rather than to act perfectly and follow every rule, realize that they are sinners and can never be anything but that.  That there is strength in the admission of sins.  The strength that comes from Jesus's forgiveness.  And, I pray for their hearts to be shaped and changed by it too.  I hope and pray each day that they would be filled with joy for this gift and that they would not find the unhappiness that comes with the ugly realization of our own shortcomings and disappointing performances.

This brings me back to myself.  Already I've alluded to how awful I feel knowing that my failures as a mother are teaching them to hate, not only themselves, but also each other.  I know, as I'm typing this, that I'm doing exactly what I wish that my boys would not do--to rely on my performance and not trust in the saving grace of the Holy Spirit who strengthens me.  It's a really hard habit to break. 
I watch a toy being snatched, I see the incoming assaults, and I hear the ugly words flying about.....and, really, most of the time I am at a real loss as to how to handle it.  I fail all.the.time!  And, I HATE it! 

Another recurring desire of mine is to have meaningful female friendships and this is the predominate source of feelings of failure these days.  I know that over the years, I've been guilty of not really putting myself out there like others have--I've been, to a large degree, content to be a friend, but not a best friend.  I always assume my presence is not important...what could I possible add....why would they want me...that they'd like to be with Richard and not me.  I've not been confident enough to push past the superficial for fear of finding out that they've seen my unworthiness too.
Pretty annoying stuff.

Things seemed so much more accessible before marriage and children.  My calling is such a precious gift to me and my number one duty and I certainly don't mean to be disrespectful to this job as wife and mother by dwelling so long in my grief about my lack of female companionship.

But, I do desire it. My hearts desire is to laugh, confide in, and pray for a sweet friend and to also know that that person is praying for me and loving my company and seeking my confidence as her friend.

I know that I'm made in the image of God.  His perfect, holy image was the mold from which I came.  These terrible, ugly feelings are not of Him.  They are of the world.  I am a sinner.  I have God's love and am the recipient of His love through Christ's sacrifice--a gift from One who is the real BFF.

I will continue to pray for that meaningful friendship and for God to open my eyes to opportunities to be a friend too.  I'll ask that He bring someone along who can realize my unsure footing in this area and mercifully look past it, seek me out knowing that I'm scared to do this for myself.  And, mostly, I'll pray that God strengthens my faith in His love for me and not to dwell in my perceptions of how others think of me.

Argh!  I hate wallowing.  Maybe tomorrow will be better!